My name is Paul Greenbaum and I’m 61 years old. I’ve spent a good portion of my life seeking truth. Perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that I was compelled to seek. I was an anxious, hyperactive child, who never felt at peace in his own skin.
Why are Some People Anxious?
Unlike popular beliefs, a newborn infant is not a clean slate, but frequently holds impressions from past lives and ancestral influences. Layered on top of these impressions are shock and trauma from conception, pregnancy, and birth.
My parents tried to have children for over 5 years but the closest they came was an ectopic pregnancy that cost mom one of her ovaries. The doctors told them they probably would never have children, and they gave up on the idea. Soon after I came.
My mother, already a nervous woman, felt the weight of the entire family waiting for her to have a child. If she didn’t, my father would have been the last Greenbaum in our family lineage. Pregnancy intensified her anxiety. It was a lot of pressure. Would she even be able to have a healthy baby? For 9 months I lived in a tense womb, and of course I molded to the fear and stress. Anxiety became the normal. During episodes of intense stress, when my mom was super freaked out about something, I learned to leave my body, to protect myself from feeling pain.
My first brush with death came during birth. I caught my left shoulder in my mom’s pelvis. The doctors pulled me out with High forceps, bleeding at the temples, with my left arm almost black from the circulation being cut off for so long. I was what shamans might accurately call a shocked soul.
However, things got worse before they improved. In the 1950’s immature, egotistical America thought it to be the world leaders of scientific maternity practices. Breastfeeding was frowned upon for the modern woman. I never had the breast, and the formula I was given tied my intestines up in knots. For the first year or so I cried my head off because my guts were inflamed and screaming.
As I grew older, I didn’t know why I was so sensitive and uncomfortable in my skin, but, I didn’t know any other way so, I considered it normal.
I tried to create a safe existence for myself, which is basically trying to find a way to antidote the discomfort I felt.
Fear and Shock
If you could look carefully into everyone’s lives, you will see that we all create our lives around fear and shock. All our coping mechanisms, our phobias, the way we react in certain situations, and the ways we control and manipulate life are attempts to seek a way to find a comfortable spot so we don’t experience our pain. Most succeed and forget early shock, but it is still there, lurking under the surface of our consciousness. When exposed to the right trigger we experience it again.
I always wanted to help others, but it took me a long time to be ready
I used to watch television and cried at movies. I always rooted for the underdog. My heart was wide open, but I didn’t know how to share myself. I had lots of friends but probably felt most comfortable being alone in nature. Our home was in Queens New York, on a tiny postage stamp piece of property. We had a toolshed in the backyard. I rigged up a sheet on a lilac tree that I used as a hammock. I was hidden in the tiny space between the neighbor’s fence and the shed. In the summer I’d hang out alone for hours. I was always a nature child feeling most comfortable outside. I was so in sync with nature, I felt like I could lose myself, even let my self dissolve into nature. During those times I felt tremendous peace and bliss, but I didn’t know what I was doing or why.
As I went through puberty, my inner discomfort resurfaced. I had difficulty focusing on schoolwork and had a low self image. I turned to martial, arts, yoga, and meditation for answers. I became a capable fighter, and possessed a flexible, healthy body, but never touched the core of my uneasiness.
In my mid-twenties, another near death experience rocked my world. It took years to mend my physical injuries and longer to heal psychologically. When the smoke cleared, I was technically recovered, but my health wasn’t what it was before the injury. So began a long quest to regain it.
I continued with my martial arts, yoga, Qigong, and meditation but I also studied nutrition, herbs, fasted, did colonics, and practiced many methods of natural healing. But the years passed and I still didn’t feel as well as I once had. I believed, as so many young people nearing thirty, that I was just getting older and having less energy and vitality was normal.
In my thirties, I became a chiropractor, acupuncturist, and massage therapist. It was the tough cases, the patients I couldn’t help that led to many years of studying with some of the best teachers, healers, and doctors on the planet. I studied esoteric psychology, energy medicine, and shamanism.
I believed I was trying to learn more to help others. I didn’t realize that the underlying reason for all my soul searching was not just to help patients, but also to find truth and peace within myself.
After decades of searching I found what I was really looking for–myself, my true nature, the inner essence that had been there all along. My mind had been overshadowing it for all these years. Upon surrender of the ego self, I experienced oneness with life.
Part of the Whole
When you see and feel that the life force within you—the real you—is the same as is in a dog, plant, rock, tree, the air, or another person; when you see and feel that life, Prana, Yuan Qi, God, the unified field, or whatever you wish to call it, is literally a soup of shimmering, pulsating energy—you’ll never be the same. Its substance is love, and that’s what you are. Your heart opens in earnest, and peace and ecstasy floods your entire being. The only word that comes close is thanks.
Discomfort is there for A Reason
When all is well, there’s usually no fire under us, compelling us to grow. When suffering or in pain we are almost forced to go inside ourselves, to see what is tying us up in knots, and grow from it. It seems easy to envy those who seem to be having an easy time in life, but passing through fear and inner discomfort is a sure portal to growth.
I MAKE NO CLAIMS
I don’t claim to be a spiritual master, enlightened, or a master of anything at all. I don’t claim to have a corner on truth. Truth exists all over; many paths contain truth. I consider myself more a jack of many trades… however, my experiences have left me centered in my body and at peace. I am filled with love, and grateful for life. I have a great desire to help others, which is the purpose of this site.
In the last 23 years I’ve have helped thousands of patients, taught martial arts, yoga, Thai Massage, nutrition, and self growth courses.
My current dream is to create camps and programs for children and adults that offer tools to promote health, rejuvenation, and self development. I feel that if people experience inner peace, love, joy, gratitude, and harmony with life, they will be inspired to help others, and become bringers of peace.